A guilty warning about feeling shame is that they’re not the same thing! You can think about guilt as the little warning bell going off to let you know that you have violated a moral or value. While shame is the emotion we experience when that violation will lead to damage to our relationships or reputation.
Guilt and shame are often considered negative emotions. This isn’t entirely true. Guilt and shame serve a noble purpose to help guide us within our morals and values. They let us know we have done something that goes against our rules for ourselves.
A Guilty Example
If my rule is, “Follow through on promises” and I don’t follow through on my promise to my best friend, I will experience guilt. This guilt tells me that I have violated one of my rules and encourages me to fix it. To fix it, I may follow through if possible or apologize. In this example, it protects the relationship. If I don’t apologize or correct this error in my rule-system, I may experience shame. Shame comes along to indicate that I have now violated my rules and this might lead to damage to my relationship or reputation.
For Shame, for Shame, am I to Blame?
You can think of shame as the long-term effects of guilt. Shame is often more difficult to remedy. Often when we feel shame we try and hide or avoid dealing with the guilt that we felt. We might lie, create a story or find some other way to avoid addressing the emotion of shame. In our example, we might tell a story as to why we didn’t follow through on the promise. In this way, we are avoiding possible damage to the relationship or our reputation. The trouble with this method is that after a while, it can become habitual and we might end up causing more permanent damage to relationships and/or our reputation.
When we experience excessive guilt or shame then the positive purpose of guilt and shame falters. Taking responsibility for things that are outside of your control is one such example. If you feel guilt for something that is not your fault, you have no control over or it’s outside of your ability to affect it – guilt is ineffective. So, how do you know if it’s real guilt serving a purpose or unrealistic guilt causing you drama? Good question! Here’s some things you can ask yourself about the guilt:
- What rule or standard has been violated?
- Is that rule or standard mine or someone else’s?
- Is what happened within my control or should it be?
- Is this rule or standard reasonable in this situation?
- Is this rule appropriate for anyone in my situation?
Evaluate Your Responses
If most of your answers are Yes, then it might be a realistic guilt/shame situation. In that case, apologies are often a great solution. You can find out how to make an effective apology here. Sometimes a different solution is needed and a therapist can help you sort that out. If you answered mostly No, then it is likely that the rules and standards are unrealistic. In that case, once again therapy might be an effective way to learn how to manage how to change this type of thinking.
If you want some more information on guilt, check out a couple of articles by Guy Winch, Ph.D. here: 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Guilt and The Five Ingredients of an Effective Apology.
Remember, guilt and shame serve a purpose and can help us maintain our morals, values and relationships. When guilt and shame overwhelm our sense of self, there are likely some unrealistic rules and morals that we are holding.
This article was written by Angela Rozema, a registered psychotherapist in Ontario, Canada. It does not take the place of speaking with a mental health professional. If you or someone you know needs help, please contact a mental health professional today.